Were Barenaked Ladies watching 'X-Files' with ... Hollandaise sauce?

Were Barenaked Ladies watching 'X-Files' with ... Hollandaise sauce?

I'll admit it: I absolutely can't resist singing along with the radio. Or a CD. Or (quietly) along with the cast at a stage production.

(Ahem. Sorry, Urbana Park District production of "Sound of Music," but I just couldn't help but sing "The Lonely Goatherd.")

Lest you think I'm completely out of touch, my favorite band is Barenaked Ladies. And I flat out can't shut my mouth when I hear a BNL song. Unfortunately for my wife and kids, singing and actually knowing the lyrics ARE mutually exclusive when I get my sing on.

BNL frontman Ed Robertson raps through some of his songs so fast, I have a real problem catching the actual lyrics.

From one of the early hits, "One Week," comes the line, "Watchin' 'X-Files' with no lights on, We're dans la maison." Yeah, I know the group is Canadian and occasionally a French phrase appears in the lyrics. But I really thought in this case the Ladies were watchin' "X-Files" ... "with Hollandaise sauce."

Now, why would anyone watch "X-Files" with Hollandaise sauce? Does eating eggs Benedict help the viewer truly appreciate FBI agents Mulder and Scully?

Apparently it made enough sense to me the first time I belted it out, and I haven't stopped.

An unfortunate side effect of this quirk is that my children have inherited my lyric weakness. They believe, despite repeated correcting, that Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" includes the phrase, "All the single Leias." Yes, my daughter likes princesses from space.

Still, I think most of us have fractured lyrics – and it's not just to songs like "Louie, Louie."

(My own lyrics for that one: "Louie, Louie, oh no, we gotta go, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah!" Those actually might be right.)

One acquaintance struggled for years with Crowded House's "Don't Dream It's Over."

Actual lyrics: "There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost."

Her lyrics: "There's a bottle of hair, many bottles are lost."

And even some of the more recognizable songs can get you into trouble.

From a patriotic News-Gazette co-worker, who shall remain nameless: "And crown thy good with Robin Hood from sea to shining sea."

Because, of course, a song about the beauties of America would include something about a British criminal who robbed from the rich and gave to the poor.

A few other co-workers have struggled with Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Bad Moon Rising": "There's a bathroom on the right."

And who hasn't fractured Jimi Hendrix? This one became a book title: "'Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy."

From Bon Jovi: "It doesn't make a difference if we're naked or not."

Aerosmith: "... I'd miss ya, babe, and I don't wanna miss your face."

Bachman-Turner Overdrive: "Bakin' carrot biscuits."

The Rolling Stones: "I'll never leave your pizza burnin'."

And Alanis Morissette: "It's not fair to deny me of the cross-eyed bear that you gave to me."

Seriously, folks, you oughtta know better than that! (Sorry; lame joke alert.)

One of the more questionable butcherings I've heard comes from White Zombie's "More Human than Human." For some reason, to certain people, the title lyrics apparently sound a bit like "Paul Newman dance 'cause you're the man."

Wha? Someone must be a big salad-dressing fan.

Now, readers, it's your turn to share in the humiliation. If you'd like to get in on the act, shoot me an e-mail with your fractured lyrics. We'd like to publish a select few in an upcoming e3 entertainment magazine.

There is, of course, every chance that I'll think your lyrics were the correct ones, so please be sure to include the right ones as well.

Tony Mancuso is features editor of The News-Gazette. You can reach him at 351-5219 or via e-mail at tmancuso@news-gazette.com. Check out The N-G Features Department blog, updated several times a week, at http://www.news-gazette.com/blogs/doublefeatures.

Topics (1):Music

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