The Reluctant Townie | My application for Homeland Security's media-influencer list

The Reluctant Townie | My application for Homeland Security's media-influencer list

Last week, it was reported that the Department of Homeland Security was seeking to contract a third-party firm to compile a database of journalists, bloggers and "media influencers" for the U.S. government.

The database would monitor up to 290,000 news sources in more than 100 languages and include online, print, broadcast, cable, radio and social media. The bid request from also seeks to build a separate list of journalists with correlating information such as beat, location and size of news outlet.

A spokesmen for the Department of Homeland Security responded to pushback of the news on Twitter, assuring skeptics that the media database was standard practice for monitoring current events and that any perceived nefarious intentions were attributions of "tin-foil-hat wearing, black-helicopter conspiracy theorists."

Kewl, good enough for me. Probably no big deal.

As a person "in the media," I wanted to save whoever ultimately gets the Homeland Security contractor gig (I hear Cambridge Analytica is looking for work) the trouble of parsing through a bunch of old columns and MySpace pages to compile my personal media-influencer profile. I've decided to preemptively fill out my own Department of Homeland Security Media Influencer Database Application, if only to ensure accuracy and efficiency.

Influencer Name: Ryan Jackson.

Known aliases: Reluctant Townie; your mom's boyfriend.

Name/type of publication: The News-Gazette, a daily newspaper.

Circulation: Poor in the feet.

Age: Too old for hangovers, campus bars and Razor scooters as a means of transportation.

Political affiliations: Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.

Languages spoken: Three — English, Pig Latin and love.

Boxers or briefs: Commando — ;-).

Zodiac sign: Cancer, under the influence of Gemini.

Relationship status: Married — until death do us part — ;-) .

Height: Big boy status, a.k.a., I take out the trash.

Do you have a crush on someone: Why? R U asking me out???

Last beverage you drank: Coffee, black, room temperature.Last phone call you made: You tell me, DHS ...

Last song you listened to: "Sign O' The Times" by Prince.

What did you eat for breakfast: A bowl of Cheerios (name brand, never knockoff!); some of my kids' leftovers. The remaining scraps of my dignity.

What time did you wake up today: At 5 a.m., bright and early, to influence the media.

Do you have any piercings: Two enchantingly blue eyes.

Do you have any tattoos: A full-body replica of "Road House" on VHS.

Do you prefer lips or eyes: In a perfect scenario, both. But will make exceptions — ;-) .

Do you prefer hookups or relationships: This question feels like a trap to me ...

Have you ever kissed a stranger: Define "stranger." Really, if you think about it, aren't we all strangers? Can you ever truly know another person? Can one even truly know thyself?

Do you want kids: Hope so, because I have two of them.

Have you ever been arrested: I live in a prison of my own expectations. But there is a Netflix subscription, so it's not all bad.

Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket: Yeah, for running through your mind too fast.

Have you ever skinny-dipped: Once or twice in the shower. LOL.

Do you believe in love at first sight: Sure, who doesn't? The better question is whether you believe in love at the 3,000th sight, with dragon's breath and a mortgage.

Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party of the United States: I've been to a lot of parties, and the good ones I can't remember.

Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Deep State: Yes. Only, if you want to get technical, I am one level beyond Deep State. I'm Deeper State. I'm so Deep that the State doesn't even know I exist. Go ahead, ask about me. They'll have no idea!

How long have you been a shill for liberal globalist billionaire George Soros: I am secretly an android who was built by Soros and sent back in time to influence the media with an insidious liberal agenda. He pays the virtual wallet (housed in my synthetic brain) directly with a Bitcoin-like cryptocurrency called SoroDollars. One SoroDollar is currently worth zero U.S. dollars, but they will be the official currency once the New World Order is established.

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream: Donald Trump impeached, with a sprinkle of indictments.

Ryan Jackson will influence anyone who will have him, and he can be reached at

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