The Reluctant Townie | Trump's review of Woodward's 'Fear'

The Reluctant Townie | Trump's review of Woodward's 'Fear'

Today's column was "guest-written" by the 45th president of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

This week, lying Dem operative Bob Woodward, reporter and editor for FAKE NEWS outlet Washington Post, released a book about the first two years of my presidency, titled "Fear."

Because I know the FAKE NEWS media will be full of lying Dems who are mad that they lost a rigged election in 2016 that they should have won, I thought it would be a good idea if I wrote a book review, so you could have a tremendously honest look at this book, which is a mountain of lies, and I will be a totally and completely impartial in my assessment. Nobody knows the truth better than me.

I am a better book reviewer than all of those fake phony liars anyway. Some have called me the best book reviewer of all time, and since I was there while the so-called events of the book happened, who better than Donald Trump to review Bob Woodward's latest collection of lies.

Before I get started, it's important that you understand there was NO COLLUSION between my campaign and Russia. The Dems just can't stand that I beat them (they said there was no path to 270 in the electoral college), so they created a totally dishonest WITCH HUNT that has already ruined the lives of some pretty fine and incredible people of mine, such as Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen. Two tremendous, upstanding American patriots who the Deep State and Fake News media have done everything in their power to smear.

The REAL COLLUSION was with Democrats and Russians. Lying Hillary Clinton paid over $240 billion dollars to Russia to pay for a fake dossier about Trump. Trump knows this. And all REAL Americans know this. That's why we want to work together to make America great again.

As for the review of this so-called book. I'll start where all great book reviewers start, with the cover. The front of Bob Woodward's book has a giant picture of my face on it. So far, so good. I have, what many people are saying, is one of the greatest faces of all time. And if you want to sell a book — and trust me, Bob Woodward is no mega billionaire like me; he needs to sell this book — you should put Trump's face on the cover. Any smart publisher would tell you that. So I can't fault Bob there. It's a fantastic cover. The Trump brand is an elite brand, and of course, people are going to want to buy this book as soon as they see it.

Under the picture of my face is the title of the book, "FEAR." This is also a great choice by Woodward. To be feared is to be respected. I want America to fear me as their president. No one fears Hillary Clinton. That's why she lost. I, on the other hand, am as feared as any president. Some might say no one has ever been feared as much as me. That's what makes me the greatest president in the history of all time.

So far, in my opinion, Bob Woodward has done a tremendous job here.

But then I open the cover, and immediately I'm disappointed. One of my religious advisers showed me this book the other day called the Holy Bible. Great book, great book. My base loves it. And when I looked at that book, the Holy Bible, one thing struck me immediately, the edges of each page was lined with gold. Just tremendous, a big, beautiful golden book.

So then imagine my disappointment to find that Woodward's book about my presidency has just regular paper edges. This is unacceptable. As your favorite president, and one of the greatest minds, a lot of people are saying, of all time, at bare minimum the pages of this book should have been lined with gold, if not printed on solid marble with gold ink.

Strike one, Woodward.

As for the contents of this so-called book.

There are some pretty explosive, gutless claims in this book. Woodward has said that my staff doesn't respect me. That they steal papers off of my desk. That behind my back they've called me an "idiot," a "moron" and said that I have the understanding of a "fifth- or sixth-grader." What a total joke! More lies from the fake news media! I personally asked my staff if they've ever said or done anything like that, and they assured me they have not!

As for the rest of the book — it's totally boring. Bunch of words about a bunch of boring stuff, and it's all 100 percent fake. And the worst part, no pictures! And I totally read this book, all of the pages. Super fast. I'm one of the fastest readers who ever lived, I've read more books than just about anybody, and let me tell you, this book is total garbage. A complete scam!

So my final review: F-

If you'd like to read a really great and fabulous book, I suggest you check out "Art of the Deal" by Donald Trump. Simply put, the best book ever written.

And remember: NO COLLUSION. NO COLLUSION. NO COLLUSION. AND EVEN IF THERE WAS COLLUSION, COLLUSION IS NOT A CRIME!

MAGA, and thank you!

Ryan Jackson applied the appropriate amount of self-tanner before submitting this column, and he can be reached at thereluctanttownie@hotmail.com.

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