Townie's Top 10, er, 11 Things

Although I have never attended the University of Illinois here in Champaign-Urbana, I am familiar with its ways. My girlfriend just graduated from there. My little brother is in his junior year. My older brother and my dad are alumni.

I have never set foot on campus as a properly registered student, but I still consider the UI my alma mater. (Go Illini!) I've mingled here, partied there – I've made friends with the general public.

Simply put, I have lived the life, kids. Maybe to a greater extent than most of you could dream of because my "college experience" wasn't bogged down by silly things like reading, a GPA or learning.

Let my years of (in)experience guide you to a more fulfilling four- to six-year stay in C-U. This is a list of things you should definitely do while you're here:

11. Dorm pranks. What better way to get to know thy neighbors than by enraging them? Say hello with a menace. Cling-wrap stuck to the toilet seat is a tried-and-true classic. Shower heads full of Kool-Aid mix are good for a laugh. But flaming bags of dog poo are generally frowned upon indoors.

10. White Horse karaoke. Every Wednesday night, on the northwest corner of Second and Green streets, the tone-deaf come out to croon. Let your ears guide you to drunken fun as your peers sing ear-clawing renditions of your favorite (and not-so-favorite) radio staples. With $5 pitchers of rum and coke on special, the entertainment is always sure to satisfy, however unintentionally. If you'd like to have your own moment in the 40-watt sun, get there early because the request bin fills up quickly. (And please, no more "Piano Man" or "Friends in Low Places." DJ Outlaw might kill himself.)

9. Frolic in the campus fountains. There's nothing more exhilarating than frolicking in the fountains of the UI campus on a warm summer's night. Unless you're frolicking naked, of course. Half of the fun is finding them all. (I'll give you a hint to get started: there's one behind the Union.)

8. Join the Illini Inn Mug Club. Sitting on the corner of Fourth and Daniel, the Illini Inn might not look like much – a messy jigsaw puzzle of neon beer signs – but its tradition is legendary. Tell the bartender you want to join Mug Club. You'll be issued an orange business card with your name, the date and membership number (mine is 45953). The bartender will then hand you a large, frothy mug of beer, ring a nifty brass bell and demand you to chug. Don't be a little girl (like I was) and choke because the whole bar will laugh at you. Membership is a license to chug at future discounted prices. Afterward, fight the impending hangover by walking upstairs to Bonnie Jeans. Their deep-dish pizza is actually better than Papa Del's – a little-known secret – and they sell by the slice.

7. Don't do laundry for a month. Believe it or not, the majority of people in America expect college kids to be penniless, unwashed slobs. Live up to the ideal by forgetting to clean your underwear all semester. Remember, socks can always be turned inside out, Febreeze is the poor man's shower, and pants are fine until they stand up without you.

6. Pink Floyd laser light show. Every Friday and Saturday night, Parkland College's Staerkel Planetarium hosts a laser-light show set to some thundering, face-melting classic rock. There's a Zeppelin show, a Who show, a best-of show – but most importantly there's the Pink Floyd "Dark Side of the Moon" show. Check it out. During "Great Gig in the Sky," if you look closely, you will see God. Don't forget to pack the magic brownies, maaaaaaaan.

5. Unofficial St. Patrick's Day. Forget New Year's. If the UI hasn't outlawed it yet (they were trying their best in May), the Friday before spring break is the biggest party day of the year. This unique holiday – which has nothing to do with the Irish and everything to do with milking students' wallets before they ditch out to Cancun or Palm Beach – has spread like wildfire over the past decade, to become an unofficial tradition. Campus bars open as soon as legally possible, allowing you to blow off morning classes. If you're not wearing green, don't worry: You'll be sweating it in no time.

4. The walk of shame. Webster defines a walk of shame as any early-morning to late-afternoon walk in which the pedestrian is identified to be wearing last night's clothes. Frazzled hair, bewildered stupor and dragon breath are common symptoms. Walks of shame typically follow awkward one-night stands and/or uninvited crashing at a stranger's house.

3. Visit downtown Champaign. Hey, freshmen, life exists beyond Station 211, Gully's and C.O. Daniels! There is a whole other world out there. Downtown Champaign has plenty of nightlife to offer – dance clubs, live music, beer gardens – and many interesting people to meet along the way. People with jobs, money and a sense of world affairs. Best to leave the pajama pants at home.

2. Collect pitchers, shot glasses and mugs from your favorite bars. I know this one is technically illegal, but it doesn't seem to stop the masses from taking a souvenir from their favorite watering holes. After all, the cheapest way to stock up on party supplies is when the bartender isn't looking! Most campus apartments come furnished with a bar pitcher in the kitchen sink. For you squares out there who want to keep it legal, Murphy's Pub and Legends have Mug Nights every week. Buy the beer, keep the glass. Accidentally drop it on the way home.

1. Graduate. For some reason, I want to say this is definitely something you should do before you leave the UI. I know it's tempting to make like your favorite newspaper columnist and spend all of your time downing beer bongs in bedsheet togas – but don't be a bum. Go to class. Do your homework. Take the exams. Get on with making the world a better place! After all, it is truly what you're here for.

Ryan Jackson's Reluctant Townie column appears Fridays in The News-Gazette. You can reach him via e-mail at thereluctanttowniehotmail.com.