ammie Deaville loved the man she lived with for eight years. Divorced and the mother of a young son when she moved in with him, she thought eventually they'd get married.

He'd told her he didn't want more kids, and he meant it.

The day she broke the news she was pregnant, he told her to have an abortion or it was over.

"I know other people do it," Deaville said, and she doesn't judge them.

"It's just not an option for me."

She moved out, found a job and had her daughter, Lizzie. She waited a year for her boyfriend to come around. When he didn't, she packed up a 40-foot truck and drove from their home in Wisconsin back to Illinois, crying all the way.

She made a home in Tuscola for her son, Brandon, now in eighth grade, and Lizzie, almost 3.

Deaville always thought she'd be married, but now at 35, she's found it's not necessary.

She classifies a husband as a "want, not a need."

"A lot of people think you need a man to fulfill your life. And I don't see that."

Fewer getting wed

"I do" is being said less often among young couples these days.

And when there's a pregnancy, marriage isn't the option it used to be.

And baby makes two – not three – is how many of these single women forge ahead, saying they'd rather be single and raise a child by their lonesome than be married with children and end up divorced.

Nationally, one in three babies have unwed parents. In East Central Illinois, a snapshot of births from March shows:

– In Danville, 67 percent of the women who gave birth at Provena United Samaritans Medical Center were single women.

– At Carle in Urbana, 47 percent of the women who gave birth were unmarried.

– At Provena Covenant Medical Center in Urbana, 37 percent of the women who gave birth were unmarried.

Official statistics from the Champaign and Vermilion county public health departments show lower birth rates, but those statistics indicate only residents of the respective counties. Our snapshot figures from March include residents from Douglas, Piatt, Ford and other area counties who gave birth in Danville and Urbana hospitals.

Not a teen phenomenon

The majority of single mothers are in their 20s and 30s. During March, 175 women who gave birth at Carle were between 20 and 39, compared with 14 unmarried teens with babies.

"This is not just a teenage issue," said Kim Padan, director of the Women's Care Clinic in Danville. About 100 women a month seek services there – the majority between 18 and 24.

"A lot of women are single parents but they're in a relationship," perhaps living with the baby's father or in a serious dating relationship, Padan said. "They often believe that's all they need. They really, really believe that marriage is not a big deal anymore.

"Our culture is saying this, not just in movies and television, but most of us know or perhaps are related to couples cohabitating. Now, it's what you do. Even if engaged, couples move in together before they get married."

Some like Tammie Deaville have been married and are divorced when they find themselves pregnant. Others have high expectations for marriage and aren't quick to take that step.

Tangela Young, a 21-year-old Rantoul single mom, lives with her 12-month-old baby's father, and they are struggling to meet their bills. Marriage is important to her, but she doesn't want to marry her baby's father until they are sure the marriage will work.

"Honestly, I don't want to end up like my parents did," Tangela said. "I want my son to be in a stable environment, and I don't want him to go through what I went through with a divorce and not understanding and being mad at my parents because they got divorced."

It's not easy

On the east side of Market Place Mall in the Wilber Heights subdivision is a new brick building housing the Pregnancy Resource Center, a church- and private-donor funded organization that draws pregnant women ages 11 to 52. Predominantly they're 17 to 23.

Every day young women walk in there, some far along in their pregnancies who have not yet seen a doctor. "Can you help me?" they ask. Others come with their boyfriends. Some come in asking about adoption placement. Some take pregnancy tests.

Director Greta Henry said they are all races, all degrees of education, including University of Illinois and Parkland College students, high school and middle school girls, and dropouts.

Henry agrees most of the pregnant women don't see marriage as inevitable or even necessary.

"I don't know if they haven't seen a good husband-wife relationship or what, but some say 'I don't want to get married to that guy. No way.' Or you know, some of the girls say they'd get married, but they aren't going to ask him. They're waiting for the guy to take that responsibility."

And the public needs to know that women having babies without marriage come from all socioeconomic backgrounds, according to Linda Bolton of the Vermilion County Public Health Department.

"When the rate (of single mother births) is up in the 55-56 percent range, don't tell me it's just folks in public housing," Bolton said.

Tangela Young makes a little more than $9 an hour at her job in Champaign. She has to pay rent, day care, utilities and for the gas to drive back and forth from Rantoul to Champaign. She has had to take out loans to pay her utilities. Her boyfriend helps with expenses, but it's tough. She's also trying to pay off credit cards.

"I know that I might be struggling, but at the same time I put my son first," she said. "I don't care if I don't have clothes on my back; he will. I don't care if I don't eat, but he will. So I try to make sure that he gets more than what I got when I was little ... and it will be accomplished. That's just my mentality."

Times have changed

In 1970, there were 115,478 marriages in the state.

There are less than 84,000 trips down the aisle in a year these days, although there's been an increase in the number of people of marriage age.

"In 1967, a 19-year-old girl who got pregnant more than likely would end up getting married," Bolton said. "And the dad would get a job at General Motors, whether he finished high school or not. And they would probably survive and be OK.

"But in 2008 ... you can't just be 18 and wander in some place and get a $25- to $30-an-hour job. It doesn't work that way anymore. That's gone and it's gone forever."

It's accepted in our society if a woman gives birth without being married, Bolton said.

"Even if you're in your 20s, being a single mom is not the easiest thing to do," Bolton said. "There are a lot of these women trying to go back to school and work and take care of their kids. It's a struggle."

And Padan suggests these days, women equate dating with having sex. They have sex early in the relationship, before there is a strong emotional bond.

Mentors help moms

Henry said the women who go to the Pregnancy Resource Center are assigned mentors, who meet with the pregnant women one-on-one. Sometimes these mentorships develop into long-lasting friendships. Henry has attended the births for some women who didn't have any other support; she's taken homeless pregnant women into her home.

The women earn what's called "mommy dollars" for watching videos about parenting and childbirth, for attending doctor's visits and other goals, and with this money they can "shop" in the center's store and buy a new crib, for example, for about $35. Other equipment and clothes are offered for very low prices.

Though some of the women have parental support, Henry continues to be struck by how many are isolated.

"It's sad," Henry said. "Sometimes they live with their boyfriends, sometimes they live with a grandmother. But many of them really want more of a mother-type relationship and a lot of times, we are that for them.

"Some of the girls don't have anybody."

Not all struggle

Some single moms have won the admiration of peers, family and friends for how hard they work to give their children a good, solid home.

"There are some young moms out there who are working their butts off," said Bolton of Vermilion County Public Health. "They went back to school and finished and then went to DACC and then went on to get a job with a two-year degree. Some women out there have worked miracles, and they have fine healthy homes and fine healthy children."

But support systems seem to be the key to success. The single mothers often need support from their own mothers and fathers, or grandparents or other family members or social agencies.

Padan at Women's Care Clinic said images on TV and in movies entice some women to feel free with their sexuality, and can be misleading.

"But I don't believe it's as free as those images portray. I think women are struggling with the consequences – (sexually transmitted diseases) and the difficulties of single parenthood."

Do what you have to do

Tammie Deaville doesn't second-guess her decision to have her daughter. Though they live on a slim budget, they make do.

They live carefully on child support payments that come in faithfully from her kids' fathers. Lizzie's dad supports his daughter financially, and she has his last name; he just chose not to be a part of her life, she said.

That's OK; with Lizzie, Deaville got the better end of the bargain.

But being a single mother at home has meant trade-offs. She shops at yard sales and doesn't use credit cards. She gave up tanning and buying beauty products from the salon. She doesn't have her hair done as much. She'd like a new car or to own a home. But she rents a welcoming, toy-scattered house on Tuscola's south side.

Looking back on her choices, Deaville said she simply did what she had to, even when it wasn't easy.

"I know that they're worth it," Deaville said. "I'd do it again for my kids."

By the numbers

Women giving birth in March at area hospitals:

-- Carle Foundation Hospital, Urbana

189 women gave birth

89 (47 percent) were unmarried

14 (16 percent) of the unmarried mothers were teens

61 (69 percent) of the unmarried mothers used Medicaid

-- Provena United Samaritans Medical Center, Danville

48 women gave birth

32 (67 percent) were unmarried

9 (28 percent) of the unmarried mothers were teens

30 (94 percent) of the unmarried mothers used Medicaid

-- Provena Covenant Medical Center, Urbana

110 women gave birth

41 (37 percent) were unmarried

11 (27 percent) of the unmarried mothers were teens

34 (83 percent) of the unmarried mothers used Medicaid

Would you like to comment?

Please e-mail News-Gazette Regional Editor Rebecca Mabry at rmabry<@>news-gazette.com