I saw something very disturbing at Memorial Stadium Saturday.
It was a large brown fur bearing creature with white patches on its face. This creature may have been genetically engineered or maybe a mutant, judging by size of its head. The disturbing feature is the creature was dressed as a human being, wearing a red and white striped sweater, but was naked from the waist down. He walked on two legs and imitated human gestures and motions. I was told by some wearing red that this creature's name is Bucky and he's dearly beloved in Wisconsin, and by some young men from Chicago with elevated blood alcohol levels.
Clearly, this creature was mocking human beings. Worse yet, he was antagonistic toward people wearing orange and blue, while being quite supportive of those in red and white. Not only was it unauthentic, it was discriminating on the basis of color. While only a creature, it has mastered the art of the double standard.
Mascots are not humans! Not being human itself, it has no right to imitate a human being and prance around as though it was human. This is cultural misappropriation, which creates a hostile and abusive environment at sporting events. While I have no evidence to support this theory, I'm convinced this creature and similar creatures from Iowa, Michigan, Ohio State, Northwestern, Missouri, Georgia, Georgia Tech, Florida, Pittsburgh, Oregon, Oregon State, Murray State, St. Louis U and UC Santa Cruz are all conspiring to commit genocide against human beings. It gets worse. I've seen similar creatures from Michigan State, Nebraska, Purdue, Wake Forest and Notre Dame attempting to disguise themselves as humans. The conspiracy is wider than it may appear.
The Wisconsin creature deeply offends me. I could have simply not looked at it, but I needed an excuse to wallow in self victimization. All other humans should be offended and victimized too. I demand the University of Wisconsin banish this insult to humanity; erase it from their history. I call upon disenfranchised faculty to tattle to the NCAA and educate them on how divisive this creature really is. Surely the NCAA's wisdom and fairness will compel UW to voluntarily banish this hostile and abusive caricature. Any resistance should only last a year or two, and after four years, no one will remember it ever existed. If that doesn't work, the NCAA should simply blackmail UW into submission.
Shout slogans, carry placards and raise your fists to strike a blow for Human Beings, whether they want it or not!