Sunday, November 8, 2009 East Central Illinois

Conversation key to help children avoid – or deal with – abuse

By: Jodi Heckel

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Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Having open, honest conversations with a child and teaching him or her self-respect are keys to preventing sexual abuse and helping a child deal with it if it happens, says Susan Cole, a professor of social work at the University of Illinois. Cole spent 25 years working as a licensed clinical social worker before entering academia.

Most children who are abused are the victims of someone they trust, Cole said.

"We're teaching kids a lot about strangers, but we need to be teaching them about their own personal being," she said. "If something doesn't feel right, they have the right to say no.

"The primary thing is respect for themselves," she continued. Parents may tell a child, "'You are a human being. You are worthy of respect. If somebody is making you do something you feel really uncomfortable about, you can always talk to me.'"

Answering a child's questions openly and honestly is important, Cole said, and can lay the foundation for the child to be able to talk to a parent in the future about issues of sexuality or abuse.

Warning signs of possible abuse of a child are repetitive play that appears sexualized or drawing pictures that appear violent or sexualized, or if the child is having nightmares, is unable to sleep or seems anxious – any changes in their normal behavior.

If a parent suspects abuse, he or she should say to the child, "Tell me about that," rather than panicking and asking questions based on the parent's assumptions or fears.

"The message from parents has to be constantly supportive and that none of this is their fault. This was an adult person who knew it was wrong and did it anyway," Cole said.

It is important a child talk with a therapist or social worker, someone not experiencing the emotional turmoil of the situation, Cole said.

Parents need someone to talk with and support them as well, she said. They will be upset and may be feeling guilty about not being able to protect their child, and the child will pick up on a parent's anxiety. When a child is abused, the parent experiences second-hand trauma, Cole said.

When parents talk with their children, they should let the child be the one who brings up the subject.

But if a child is having a recurrence of behaviors brought on by the abuse, a parent can ask, "What's going on?"

"The big thing is just listening and letting them talk about their feelings," Cole said.

Younger children may not be able to do that, so they'll play or draw pictures instead to express their feelings.

"Parents need to be open to the fact that a child may need more support as they mature," Cole said.

A child may have different questions about the abuse at each developmental stage. The issue may surface again for an older child or adolescent, who may become moody, depressed or have difficulty concentrating.

The parents and therapist should let the child know that if more questions arise in the future, the child can always go back to the therapist to talk.

However, Cole said, parents need to focus on all aspects of the child's life, and the child's resiliency, not just see him or her as the victim of abuse.

"You don't want it to be the defining moment of a child's life," she said. "You don't want it to have that much power over their life."

Abuse is more about violence than it is about sex, Cole said.

However, the starting point in prevention is educating children about sexuality in a way that is age-appropriate, open and honest – and that incorporates the parents' values.

She said such discussions should also be placed in the context of relationships, and what makes a good relationship – for example, what is an appropriate way to treat women, and who are good role models for husband-wife or parent-child relationships.

Discussing those issues can help children avoid being pressured to do something they don't want to do, and help them make better decisions, Cole said.

"It's broader than issues of sexuality," she said. "It's about treating each other with respect."

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