Tate: Talking turkeys before big day
All hail Thanksgiving! We have so much to be thankful for. Wasn’t it fun watching John Groce’s gang blitz USC in the first half Monday night (hit 12 straight shots), and how about those Unity Rockets.
Bow your heads over this great meal.
But I feel cranky today. Too many football losses. Too much political infighting, to which I say, “No Thanks.”
And no thanks to the Indians, who showed the Pilgrims how to plant tobacco. Look at the trouble it brought Tim Beckman (for that pinch between the lip and gum). Or, just wondering, how do we expect a well-meaning chancellor to police smoking on the Quad?
No thanks for the “golden years.” That must have been dreamed up by some young guy who hasn’t embraced creaky joints and a hearing aid. My recommendation: Watch the conclusion of “The Green Mile” and you’ll understand what it’s like to outlive your classmates. Two Monticello beauties, Virginia Drawhon and Marilyn Cannon, passed last week.
Why does Grandma always put the turkey dressing THERE? Is that supposed to be appetizing? Turkey is fine for a day. Give me a juicy steak the other 364.
No thanks to 6-foot-7 Keita Bates-Diop, prize forward from Normal U-High. He’s the best downstate prospect in the junior class, and he committed early to Groce’s mentor, Thad Matta, at Ohio State. Whitney Young’s 6-10 Jahlil Okafor and 6-9 Paul White are still out there, along with 6-9 Cliff Alexander of Curie. It’s a great class.
You’re not going to fool me with that Black Friday sale. No thanks. Mark up 100 percent and make the sale 50 percent off. Let’s compute together. The shirt costs $40, is marked up to $80 and put on sale at half price. This is like Abbott and Costello. We’re right back where we started. Who’s on first? No, he’s on second. Who? Yes.
No thanks to “Moneyball” scouting. Give me a gnarled baseball veteran operating on his instincts any time.
No thanks to the administration’s explanation for stonewalling important issues prior to the election. It doesn’t pass the smell test. But you can’t blame them for delaying explosive reports on Benghazi (Sept. 11!) and Petraeus until the votes were in. Anyway, it’s not a capital offense, and it would have been handled the same way by the Republicans. In basketball, it’s called the stall. In football, the prevent defense. Obama would have won without stonewalling.
Did you see “The Dust Bowl” on WILL-TV? And you think we have it tough these days. Wow! I’ll never think of the Panhandle without that coming to mind.
To another long run of Indiana basketball dominance — get a load of its incoming recruits — I say, “Oh, no, protect the women and children.” Man, do they know how to rub it in. But they’ll miss not having Bruce Weber to kick around.
No thanks for another piece of pumpkin pie. Enough already. Banana cream is preferred, and cherry pie goes better with ice cream. Too bad Michigan’s cherry crop got chilled.
No more golf until next spring. Too windy. Too cold. But it worked for Jeff Trigger. Did you hear about his hole-in-one?
Has the race started yet for the 2016 election? On your mark, get set ... Here’s good news. The president can work full time without campaigning. The same can’t be said for Hillary.
Color me confused. Rivals listed the new Illini basketball class No. 10, and Scout came in at No. 22. Who are we supposed to believe?
No thanks on making a wish and trying to get the long piece of the wishbone. I won before and my wishes never came true.
Area high schools aren’t doing anyone a favor in these conference changes. I’m still trying to distinguish Big Ten’s Legends from Leaders after the commissioner denied my recommendation of rival time zones ... and now that will change with Maryland and Rutgers joining the conference. By the way, no thanks for that.
No thanks to New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg for trying to ban sugary junk food. Big Brother insists I wear a seat belt, demands stupid helmets to ride a bike and won’t let me consume secondary smoke in my favorite bar. OK, OK, but when it comes to Snickers and Milky Ways, lay off. I haven’t gained 10 pounds in 40 years.
A better view of the basketball court would be nice, but $160 million to update the Assembly Hall? No, no thank you. Isn’t the Horseshoe overdue for help?
No thanks for the coming winter. Where’s the fun in slip-sliding around in the snow?
Much as I’m fascinated with “dancing nudes,” no thanks to Expressionist painting, pre-Cubists and the masters like Matisse and Van Gogh. Give me a Norman Rockwell illustration, especially on Thanksgiving Day.
No thanks to “turkey trots” around some lake or park. What is invigorating to some is a pain to others. Doesn’t anyone want to save knee cartilage for old age?
Don’t ask me to be optimistic on the future of Illini football. No thanks. Explain, please: What is there about this season that makes anyone think it will be better in 2013? Or 2014? Paint me disillusioned.
Chicago. Thanks for nothing. I wonder how many petition signings it would take?
Loren Tate writes for The News-Gazette. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.