Tate: If the Mayans are right ...
Here’s what I don’t understand. If NASA’s celestial researchers, using the latest Hubble telescope, have been able to go back 13.3 billion years to the Cosmic Dawn, and that amounts to just 3 percent of the universe’s age, how can the Mayans be so precise as to proclaim the world will end Friday?
It sounds like faulty doomsday speculation to me, but ... well, I’m not taking any chances.
If Friday is the time for all of us to kick the bucket, here’s my bucket list:
— Fly me to L.A. today for a front-row seat next to Jack Nicholson at the Lakers’ game with Charlotte. I can visit my granddaughter while I’m in town.
— While we’re at it, give me Wednesday lunch with ESPN’s Suzy Kolber (Joe Namath was soooo right), and dinner with Mel Brooks. Lewis Black might be a better comedian but he couldn’t possibility be as much fun personally.
— Yes, serve up a Bloomin’ Onion to start with, and two portions of dip. Cholesterol doesn’t matter for a last meal.
— Friday’s kaboom means Hugh Hefner’s latest engagement will be short-lived. By the way, did I miss the previous 10?
— Rather than sleep, how about one final viewing of the Lonesome Dove series. It stands just above the three-part Hatfield-McCoy miniseries starring Kevin Costner as Devil Anse Hatfield.
— Does Mike Howie have time to assemble his miscellaneous gang for one last Prairie Jam? I’ll wear my 1992 T-shirt, and promise not to sing.
— No more golf. Good! I’ve been trying to quit.
— The Hollywood version of Les Miserables is out, so why do we have to wait until Christmas? Let’s see Thursday how Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway sing those great songs in a live setting.
— One aspect of good news: We won’t have to listen to old rivals Digger Phelps, Bob Knight and Bruce Pearl on basketball broadcasts. Actually, I have come to accept Knight. But never Pearl.
— OK, the clock is ticking. Let’s get moving.
A few regrets
— It would have been nice to see the youngsters’ faces on Christmas. Something special was planned for them.
— Everyone was looking forward to Saturday, but we’ll have to accept Marcus Jackson’s prediction as the final word on the Braggin’ Rights showdown between Missouri’s transfers and John Groce’s revitalized Illini. Can they move it up to Thursday?
— Too bad I couldn’t find a wormy virus to choke all message boards. Would it be wrong to pass a law banning anonymous blathering?
— Guess there’s not enough time to figure out what’s happening with the Big East. It hurts my brain to think about it anyway.
— Wouldn’t you like to know who’d ultimately blink between cliff-dwellers Barack Obama and the republicans. Might the Mayans provide a two-week extension to see how that turns out?
— Just think of all the work it took to resurface St. Marys Road for the NCAA tennis tournament, and now ... shucks.
— I wanted to read one more Sunday column by John Foreman. I’d ask for one by George Will, but I understand him better when he’s talking than when he is writing. Have you noticed, Will doesn’t use those tongue-twisting words when he’s enunciating his conservative views.
— It’s regrettable that I’ll never have an opportunity to tell Mike Slive what I really think of him. It was my good fortune to be in a position to tell Digger.
— Will Tim Beckman’s junior college recruits help the Illini? Looks like we’ll never know. Beckman has a handful of JC commitments (and counting), and has both jucos and preps scheduled to enroll in January.
What I won’t do
— No, Jack, there’ll be no skydiving, lion safaris or pyramid climbing. No around-the-world excursion. Those bucket adventures will be left to Lou Holtz, who enjoys those things.
— There is no point in trying to make amends with Ron Zook or Neale Stoner. Those relationships are too far gone. But it must be added that Zook did nothing wrong except lose some games that he might have won.
— Charles Barkley could use one more suggestion on his golf swing. But it won’t be me to tell him to take three days off (that’s all the time he has) and then quit.
— Somebody else will have to ask the New York Times’ Maureen Dowd to write one final column that doesn’t cast Mitt Romney and 60 million Republican voters as despicable ingrates, and one broadcast by Sean Hannity that is reasonably fair. You don’t suppose, given time, they’d wind up like James Carville and Mary Matalin, do you? By the way, what happened to objectivity?
— You won’t hear me catcalling Albert Pujols for leaving the Cardinals. Nor will I mention that AP is now the Angels’ third-best offensive weapon behind MVP runner-up Mike Trout and newly signed Josh Hamilton.
Final secret admissions: I was gonna pull for Alabama, start a campaign against TV bundling, refuse to recognize Rutgers, and ask Terri Sullivan if I could face one of her fastpitch hurlers for just one at-bat. Too late.
This Kentucky boy fooled you for awhile. Goodbye, y’allllllll.
Loren Tate writes for The News-Gazette until Friday. Then it’s kaboom. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org