Who out there could use a good laugh right about now?
In this, the 328th edition of the Big 10, we’re trying something new. We reached out to 100 stars of stand-up comedy and others in the funny business and asked them to make us laugh.
Presenting the Big 100 — jokes suitable for a family newspaper.
@ElayneBoosler on Twitter
Everything in Costco is huge. I bought a bottle of ketchup that looked like a parking meter.
I saw a 90-year-old couple in Costco. I said ‘Get out. Go home. There’s nothing here you can possibly finish.’
My wife insists on turning out the lights before we make love, which does not bother me. It’s the hiding that seems so cruel.
Women are 52 percent of the population but we only make 85 cents on the dollar.
That’s why I don’t feel bad about shoplifting.
To me, a Yorkshire terrier looks like a regular dog — after it spent the night in a haunted house.
I had a roof leak. The contractor fixed it but said we won’t know if it works until it rains.
No one else can do that. The mechanic doesn’t fix brakes and say, ‘I don’t know if they work until you try them. See that hill over there ...’
Two guys are at a pal’s wake and the first guy says: When I’m lying there in my casket, I’d like to hear them say that I was a brilliant guy, a nice guy and a good family man.
The second guy says: I’d like to hear them say ‘I think I saw him move.’
My mother has an entirely different recollection of my childhood than I do. We were at a family function and my mother was recounting an adorable story of us as kids and it was a familiar story, but it wasn’t us.
I waited till I was driving her home and I said ‘Mommy, you know that wasn’t us, right? That was the Waltons.’
When you’re the youngest of a big family, there are no pictures of you. You have a better chance of finding a picture of Bigfoot than you do of finding a baby picture of yourself.
Being a parent really changes you. There was a time in my life where if I would have gotten pee on me, I’d have been very, very upset. But now, depending on the amount of pee, I won’t even change my shirt.
Last time I visited my parents, my dad was wearing suspenders with sweatpants, which is the ideal retirement outfit.
The suspenders say: ‘I’d like to speak to your manager.’
And the sweatpants say: ‘... and I have alllll day.’
Q: Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?
A: Aisle B, back.
Never ask any human being if they are pregnant.
The only time that is a valid question is if you see a skull coming out from between their legs.
I have one of those bellies that always looks five months pregnant. I was in TSA being patted down because I am Arab, which means I am always random. The agent asked me if it was a boy or a girl. I responded, ‘Doritos. Cool Ranch.’
There aren’t enough Muslims on dating apps. I tried Hinge once, filtered it to Muslim only. Hinge was like: “You’re most compatible with Reyuz, a ‘CEO’ from ‘Kyrgyzstan.’”
I was like: No thank you, Hinge, I am not getting back with my ex.
I’m married with two kids, a 14-year-old and a 7-year-old. And recently my wife brought up the topic of adoption.
I said, ‘Honey, I don’t think anyone ... will take these kids off of our hands at this point. Start with the little one. I barely know her.’
I went on ancestry.com and discovered my mother is from Brazil and my father is from Zaire. My passport now says I’m from Brassiere.
It’s humiliating. I’ve had to join a support group to deal with it and will keep you abreast of any new developments.
My goals are getting more attainable as I get older. I used to say ‘When I make it, I’ll have a beautiful house in Malibu overlooking the ocean’ and now I say ‘When I make it, I’m gonna get a headboard.’
I’m not wearing a surgical mask because I’m worried about coronavirus. I’m wearing it because I want people to think I’m a surgeon.”
I started Weight Watchers. It’s great, I downloaded the app and it tracks everything I eat. The problem, is I lie on it. The other day I ate a whole pint of ice cream and wrote down ‘one baby carrot.’
Hamsters are like cigarettes. They are perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.
We tend to forget that humor began before we were born. In fact, my favorite founding father, Benjamin Franklin, was also — no surprise — the funniest. He was also a well-known partier.
Once in France, a socialite patted his well-formed belly and said, ‘Doctor Franklin, if this were on a woman, we’d know what to think.’
Franklin, not missing a beat, responded, ‘Madame, an hour ago it was on a woman. Now, what do you think?’ Funny is forever.
I like those videos of cats jumping over rolls of toilet paper because I’ll never have that much energy or toilet paper.
Nepotism is alive and well in Hollywood — meaning, if you have famous parents, you have a better shot at success.
That’s why I suggest getting your parents famous first. It doesn’t matter how old they are. Head on over to the nursing home and say, ‘Come on, Dad, Billie Eilish made an album in her bedroom! Surely, you can crank out a hit before dialysis. Now spit the applesauce out and sing.’
“I love my girl but her feet! Whoo! From the ankle up, she’s beautiful. From the ankle up, she looks like Kelly Rowland. From the ankle down ... Morgan Freeman.
“And it’s hard to cuddle. First time, we did the figure four leg lock, I thought she had some shoes on in the bed.
‘Baby, how you gonna get in the bed with your Timberland cleats on?’ She said, ‘Sean, I don’t have any shoes on.’
‘Girl, you can break out of jail with those, just kick the wall down.’ She said, ‘Sean, you just not used to dating an athletic woman.’
‘Baby, I hope you have some gold medals. You run on the track barefoot?’
My mother watches so much ‘Dateline and Investigation Discovery’ that she’s developed opinions. The other night we were watching ‘Almost Got Away With It’ and she turns to me and says, ‘He shouldn’t have buried her in the backyard.’
He shouldn’t have MURDERED her! THAT’s where this conversation should begin, Mom!
I’m playing the Illinois version of the board game Monopoly. I land on ‘chance.’ The card says ‘Congratulations! You’ve been elected governor!’
Great. Now, I have to roll doubles to get out of jail!
I plan to have three children the traditional way, but I’d also like to try them boneless.
I saw a dog in a cage. The cage had a sign on it. The sign said, ‘I Bite.’
I was like, that is good to know, doggie, but that’s not the most important thing about you. You should make a sign that says, ‘I Make Signs.’
I read that book ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,’ and it said you should never give people bad news.
Instead, spin it into something positive. So you don’t fire someone; you tell them they’re going on to a new and exciting opportunity.
So when I broke up with my girlfriend, I didn’t say we were breaking up, I said she was getting promoted to the Director of New Relationships.
I like to eat in bed. My duvet is just a 42-square-foot napkin at this point. Let’s call it what it is.
Hey Walgreens. Do you really have to lock up the Rogaine and require us to hit a button to hear ‘Customer needs service in Hair Loss Aisle’ over the loudspeaker? Are kids stealing or sniffing Rogaine now? Come on.
When I went out to eat with my grandmother, she always tipped the waiter with a dollar bill folded into a little fan.
As a kid, I thought it was really sweet but now I realized she tipped that waiter one dollar. What a cheapskate!
I’m old. Especially for someone who hasn’t accomplished anything yet. I’m so old that every time I go out for a run, people keep giving me the thumbs up.
We live in weird times. I went into the bank, they said, ‘Why aren’t you wearing a mask?’
The only time I feel like an adult around my dad is when he asks me to fix Google and I unplug his computer.
I’m in denial about aging. Every day for the last five years, I’ve looked in the mirror and thought: ‘Huh, I look tired today’ instead of ‘Huh, this is my face now.’
A few years ago, I was going through some of my mother’s photos and I found a framed photo of my mother with her grandfather. I said to her, ‘Ma, your grandfather was so fat.’ And she says, ‘Well Judith, that was the style then.’
Really? When’s that coming back in style? I could use some modeling jobs.
I took NyQuil and No Doz and dreamed I couldn’t sleep.
My high school bully once raised her hand during science class and asked ‘Is it genetics that Giulia’s dad has facial hair and Giulia also has facial hair?’
So mean. When that happened, I cried so hard I got snot all over my beard.
When I was a head football coach at a private school, the parents complained that before games, I seemed ‘unapproachable.’
I told them: ‘Yeah, sorry about that. It’s because I don’t want to be approached.’
My husband and I were taking a pregnancy test together. The directions say if you see a blue line, you’re pregnant; if you see a white line, you’re not.
“It turned blue and I was so excited. Then my husband ran and got the Wite-Out.
I married a musician, my son’s a musician. You know what that means? I’ll be working the rest of my life.
My wife and I just took out life insurance policies on one another. So now, it’s just a waiting game.
ROY WOOD JR.
Done worked my way down to the shows in my DVR that have commercials for Democrats that already dropped out the race.
If you were a regular squirrel and you saw a flying squirrel, how ticked off would you be?
Atheists have more free time because they don’t push their beliefs on anybody.
Think about it. You’ve never had someone knock on your door and say, ‘Hi, I just dropped by to tell you there’s nothing. And I brought some literature. It’s blank paper. Because there’s nothing. You ever look in your hotel drawer and there’s nothing in there? We provided that.’
To all the parents who have had or will have teenagers in their home. I believe that teenagers are God’s revenge on mankind. I think one day God was looking down over his creation and said, ‘Let’s see how they like it to create someone in their own image who denies their existence.’
Believe me, I have read the Bible cover to cover more than once and it never mentions how old the devil was when he rejected God’s authority. If I had to guess, I would say he was 16. The Devil got his driver’s license and drove to Georgia, that’s all I know.’
Do you ever look around your life and think, ‘Uh-oh. This isn’t temporary. This may in fact be who I am.’
My son is just about to have surgery. He is hoping to play for his school’s foosball team next year, and he has to have the rod installed.
Fact of life: You can have a wife with long beautiful hair ... or you can be on time.
I never aspired to be a billionaire, I just want to be comfortable. I aspire to have the level of wealth where, if I’m ever eating a bag of pistachio nuts and I come across a nut that’s not open at all, I can just toss it out.
Right now unfortunately, I’m at the level where I have to try and get my thumb nails in between and pry the shell open as I think to myself ‘That’s food, I can’t waste it.’
Shouldn’t dyslexia actually be pronounced slexdesia? That way, people that have it would know what they had.
UPS has the worst slogan: What can brown do for you? Every time I hear that, I want to yell out, ‘Sue the board of education!’
I teach tennis on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. It’s one of the richest neighborhoods in the country. If you’re wondering how rich, last week a child told me that she prefers her ‘weekend nanny’ over her ‘weekday nanny.’
I’ve been working there for less than a month, and in that time I have taught private lessons to children named Fletcher, Tad and Prescott. And I know you probably have an idea in your mind of what kids with those sorts of names would look like, but what if I were to tell you that none of those kids were white? I’d be lying, but what if I told you that? Would you believe me?
They were, in fact, aggressively white. Borderline opaque. Fletcher, Tad and Prescott ... those are not children’s names, that is a law firm.
RABBI BOB ALPER
We, of course, follow Jewish tradition in our family. We named our son after my grandfather.
We called him ... Grandfather.
When I was younger, I healed like Wolverine. Now that I am older, I heal like Logan.
My ex-wife and I went to marriage counseling, I spent $5,000 to have two women calling me a loser.
I love the world of Harry Potter. I read all the books and I even dressed up to go see some of movies at midnight.
Now, I normally try to avoid large groups of white people in robes, but JK Rowling had me risking it all.
My dad is an absolute old school music lover. When I was younger, he would always force me to listen to the same music that he loved and I never understood why. That is, until I began showing interest in women.
He pulled me to the side and said: ‘Listen to me son, the reason I had you listen to this type of music is because one day you’re going to be in love and to make things very romantic you should serenade your significant other while making love.’ I immediately was disturbed and walked away. He’s been married to my mother for over 35 years so I assumed maybe he knew what he was talking about.
When I found the woman I wanted to serenade, I realized I didn’t sound like any of the old school greats but I did have a great imitation of a smooth singer named Michael McDonald. Unfortunately, I was so into the moment, I got nervous and sang her the wrong song lyrics, which creeped her out.
I belted out with great rhythm, ‘You don’t know me but I’m your broooootthhhhheeerrrrrrr.’ We never dated after that.
People always ask to try on my glasses. They will put them on and ask ‘How do I look?’ and the answer is always ‘blurry.’
I went on a date with a girl who said she was a sapiosexual. Which is someone who is sexually attracted to intelligence. Which is fine, except I had to look that word up.
My sister just joined Twitter, and she said to me: ‘If you tweet something funny, I’ll retweet it, and get your name out there.’
I said, ‘You have three followers. Don’t worry about it.’
She doesn’t get it. The other day she said: ‘I just re-tweeted your joke!’
I said ‘I know — to me, Mom and Dad. Why don’t you just yell my joke out the window ... there are seven people outside.’
As an actor, I’d see it as a great challenge to someday portray a great woman, but I couldn’t afford the cut in pay.
I can’t tell the difference between a professional tap dancer and somebody who’s just pretending to tap dance.
My girlfriend and I don’t subscribe to traditional gender roles where the man fixes things and the woman cleans things, so we live in a broken, dirty house.
My last girlfriend broke up with me because I wouldn’t break the law for her. She’s 4’8” so I made her ride in a car seat.
People drink for different reasons. Young people drink because they think life is awesome. Older people drink because they know it’s not!
Family holiday dinners are the best. Sitting side by side with people you’ve spent the entire year trying to avoid. Grandma takes up her station at the sink: ‘I’m just going to wash these few things for you; you never know when you’ll need these paper plates again.’
When I was a broke comedian coming up in the ’90s, I could get by for a week on coffee, a can of beans and four packs of ramen. Now, that’s called ‘intermittent fasting.’
If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
Day 12 of quarantine:
Wife, waking up: ‘I had a bad dream.’
Me: ‘What did I do?’
Wife: ‘I feel like my cats are trying to figure out a way how to eat me.’
I saw a commercial for reverse mortgages and Tom Selleck was the pitchman. Tom Selleck? Am I to believe Tom Selleck has a reverse mortgage? This guy has never stopped working. He was doing print ads for Marborrrow back in the ’70s with that great mustache of his. His mustache has made more money than I’ve ever made and I’m supposed to believe he has a reverse mortgage?
At least use someone who’s believable — like Gary Busey. ‘Hi, I’m Gary Busey. You know after years of drug and alcohol abuse and a motorcycle accident that left me half mental, all my acting roles dried up. If it wasn’t for reverse mortgages, I’d be out on the street. If fact, I have about two months of equity left and I will be out on the street. So if you happen to see me about and can spare some loose change or a sandwich, I’d really appreciate it.
I’ve been with the same man for 24 years! Six of the happiest years of my life!
I’m very close with my family. Genetically.
I cut my own hair the other day. I came in from the yard and was talking to my wife for 10 minutes until finally I said, ‘You haven’t said anything about my haircut?’
And she said, ‘I haven’t looked at you yet.’
So that’s where we’re at.
They say white guys shouldn’t have corn rows, but like ... hello, have you been to Iowa?
What’s Irish and stays out all night?
My emotional support animal is a cow — medium rare, with potatoes and a scotch.
2020: Has there ever been a more auspicious first 4 months of a calendar year? If I see the “Goodyear Blimp” I’m suing for malpractice. It’s a “Leap Year.” What does that mean? 29 days in February. 365 in March. A decade in April?
All-you-can-eat pancakes should be called four pancakes.
People with the fear of flying probably felt stupid before planes were invented.
I know my ex isn’t doing well because she had to get married and start a family to get over me.
My mom used to make ice cream out of snow. That’s some Hillbilly Haagen-Dazs. It was like Breyers, but with actual briers.
We see a lot of videos where people are changing clothes. It’s called the Don’t Rush Challenge.
I hope we have can have a challenge called the Send Aaron Cash Challenge — @aaronfoste (cashash app), Aaron@Seestandup.com on PayPal.
A lot of people do things basically, like people basically do their taxes correctly, or they basically do all the dishes, or they basically do all their laundry, but you can’t do all your laundry unless you’re naked.
I’ve been single for so long that my mom likes to make fun of me for it. Whenever people ask her where I live, she says the Friend Zone.
I must be older than I thought I was. I recently asked a young relative if they knew what a fax was and they promptly rolled their eyes and said ‘DUH’ — the opposite of fiction!
The food on my airline flight was so bad, the air sickness bag came with the meal.
Some dad jokes my kids and I have been telling each other:
What’s a good night for a fish to go out?
Where do rappers go to shop for clothes?
What’s money called in outer space?
I want you all to know that no matter how paranoid you feel ... I’ll always be right behind you.
No child can lose anymore. Everyone gets a participation trophy.
‘Dad, I lost.’
‘No you didn’t, Billy, you were the last winner.’
‘You won last, son.’
It used to be if you lost, you’d practice and practice until you got good and won. Or if you constantly lost, well then you became a musician, a poet, a complete disappointment to your parents — so you’d think outside the box because of your anti-social behavior and you’d make a million-dollar social app. It’s win-win. Everyone’s happy.
And how is ‘never losing’ preparing these kids for the job market? ‘You are an hour late for work, Bill.’ ‘No, I’m not. I’m the last person on time.’
I recently visited the great state of Texas. After the show, a guy came up to me, and with a thick southern accent says ‘Me and my family loved you. You were great.’
Then he points to three teenagers and says ‘These are my sons — Austin, Houston and Lil Dallas.’ He named his kids after cities in Texas! Such pride!
This would never happen in New York, ever. ‘Yeah buddy, this here is my family. You got the twin girls over here, Canarsie and Coney. This is my son, Flushing. And this here is my wife, Flatbush.’
I’m dating a hermaphrodite.
It’s her birthday.
What do you get the girl that has everything?
ALLEN STRICKLAND WILLIAMS
Had to fill out some paperwork recently and there was a space there for my emergency contacts. So I wrote down ‘my glasses.’
I’ve been trying to date and I’ve come to realize that there is a group of men that like bigger women — it’s kind of a fetish. They call themselves ‘chubby chasers,’ which is WRONG! Because I mean, we don’t RUN!!!
We worry more as a society now. There are way more rules when you have kids.
Take driving, for example. I was a really small kid in high school. Five feet tall, 85 pounds. If I was that size in today’s world, I would have to sit in a car seat when my parents drove me to school. Probably rear-facing too, because it was safer.
Imagine going to my semi-formal in 10th grade. I’m staring out the back window as my date sits in the front with my dad because she weighs 112 pounds.
I took a scuba diving class. The teacher told us that if you’re ever out diving, and it gets cold, you can just pee on yourself, and it’ll warm you up.
I thought that was kind of disgusting, but then we were out one day ... it started getting chilly ... and I did it. The good news, it worked. The bad news ... I was golfing.
“I miss the road right now. I used to do a lot of ladies’ nights events and it would be a room full of women but there wasn’t enough bathrooms in the building so they would take away the guys bathroom for the night and use that.
“One night, I had to go so I snuck into what used to be the guys bathroom and they had decorated it to make it girly. They put little floaty scented candles in the urinals. You know how hard that was not to put them out? I’m kidding, I put ’em all out. It became a game. Four for four.”
“Isn’t it weird that not one home printer in the history of home printers has ever just worked?”
A dog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, Paddy Black, and says, ‘I’d like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black.’
‘Certainly,’ says the teller, ‘how much would that be for?’
‘One million dollars.’” replies the dog.
The teller, taken aback by this, asks if the dog has any collateral.
‘As a matter of fact, I do!’” says the dog, and he reaches into his pocket and hands over a tiny ceramic elephant.
‘What?!’ says the teller. ‘I have no idea what this is or if we can even accept it as collateral.’
‘Wait right here,’ the teller says, as she walks to the back room, looking for her manager.
‘There’s a dog out there who wants a million dollar loan. All he has is this as collateral,’ she says, holding up the elephant. ‘I mean, what the heck is this?’
The manager takes a look at the elephant and exclaims: ‘It’s a knick knack, Paddy Black, give that dog a loan.’
I’m trying to work out but it’s hard. I got the entire outfit but every time I get dressed to go to the gym, I get tired.
Sometimes I go there, walk around just to point out what I will do when I come back to the gym next week. I have to try something because my health is important and I don’t want to fall apart.
I was dining out with a friend; he bit a piece of Wonder bread and his tooth fell out ... it hit the plate! I said, ‘you need your sugar checked!’
He said, ‘I don’t know why my teeth are falling out.’ I said, ‘it ain’t because they don’t like your mouth no more!’ He said he was scared of the dentist. I said, ‘your mouth is going to scare the dentist too but he’s going to help you.”
We went to the movies and he ordered popcorn. I said, ‘Ted, who is going to chew it for you?’ He said, ‘I like the butter.’ He was sucking the popcorn and spitting it out. I said, ‘put the popcorn down, Ted.’ It’s hard to chew popcorn with all your teeth, let alone 10 teeth.
Plus, for someone with no teeth Ted would say the craziest things — calling me on Thanksgiving to say ‘what do y’all have to eat?’ I said ‘food you gotta chew, ain’t no purée peas or Gerber baby food over here!’